Three years ago, the lives of dear friends were shattered when the terrible abuse of a precious little child was discovered. Shock rang through our church and community. It was unbelievable that a man we all loved and admired could do such a thing, but it was true. The wife of the man was one of my best friends. I cannot even put into words the anguish and fear she went through. There was the shock to find that the man she thought was her best friend had such a hidden, evil side, and the wonder and overwhelming guilt of why she did not see it beforehand. She was a mother in the home who was very careful about where and who her children were around. She had done all she knew to do for her children in every way she knew how. Compounding her own deep grief, there was the sometimes cruel treatment of outsiders. Some simply did not believe the child; others said thoughtless things to the family. I’m sure some simply didn’t realize how their words sounded. There was also the financial burdens completely placed in her lap; not just the normal bills, but numerous legal fees. She was suddenly thrust into single parenthood with unimaginable grief to deal with on top of everything.

God brought my friend and her family through these awful tragedies. Never once did she turn her back on the Lord. He performed so many miracles on the behalf of them. God is using the family to help others who are in intense suffering like they went through. But it will never be over. There will be repercussions for life.

In high school, I saw the movie Sybil, about a lady who was so severely abused by her mother, that she developed several different personalities. Her story always stayed with me and I highly recommend you seeing the movie and reading the book. It is simply heartbreaking and astonishing. It gave me a heart for children suffering unimaginable things. After my friend went through those intense trials, Miss America By Day, by Marilyn Van Derbur, was given to me. I’d never heard of Mrs. Derbur. I read most of the book quickly, staying up into the wee hours of the morning. Just like Sybil, Miss America By Day details how lifelong child abuse lasts. It is not just the r*pe of a body, it is the r*pe of a a soul.

Mrs. Derbur was born into what we would think is the perfect family. Her family was successful, rich, and prominent. Marilyn was very successful, including being crowned Miss America. But there was an ugly dark side to her family. Her father horrificly abused her and her sister for years. But what is worse: her mother knew about it and never stopped it. Mrs. Derbur shares what terrible consequences there were to her body and mind as a result of the abuse- some things went on that you wouldn’t even connect to abuse. It effected everyone around her, too.

One of the things in the book that greatly effected me was how understanding Mrs. Derbur’s husband and her daughter was throughout some awful times. Her husband never screamed at her to “snap out of it” or to “get over it.” One of the most dramatic displays of his love and patience for his wife was at a time when Mrs. Derbur, because of the abuse, said that she didn’t love their daughter anymore. One would have to read the book to understand why she felt this way, but it is an understandable situation. She fully expected him to throw her out of the home, but instead, her husband held her “tightly and said, so quietly, ‘It’s okay. I will love her enough for both of us.’” Over and over again, her husband displays such nobility and true love. Her daughter was equally as understanding and patient with her mother, even proud of her as a teenager when her mother had gone public with her story. The bonds and love in this family are precious and remarkable. I greatly admire Mrs. Derbur’s commitment that raising her daughter was more important than anything and it required all of her, including her time.

The last part of the book (over 550 pages) is very informative for anyone in the care or company of a child. She discusses how to talk with your children, who and what to protect your children from, and what do say to someone who has had this happen to them or their families.

There were some things that I came away with:

• Abusers almost always use p**nography. If you have someone in your home that uses it, your children could be in danger. “Incest doesn’t happen in a vacuum. The family environment is often polluted with p**nography, abusive language and inappropriate s*xual behavior. For example, my father relished dirty jokes and told them often. He commented on beautiful women, many times, in a flirtatious, almost lascivious way. After my father died, Gwen found extensive p**nography in his office.” (p. 406) P**nography is very, very serious and very, very dangerous to have in your home.
• “The largest number of s*x offenders in any age group is 14-years-olds.” (p. 405) Because of teenage hormones, you should not allow teenage boys to babysit your children or be alone with them, no matter if your children are boys or girls.
• If your child wants to come home from an event, let them. They may not be able to articulate that something is happening to them. One true story in the book is an account of a boy who went to camp and called his mother to please come and get him. She thought it was just homesickness and encouraged him to stay. He stayed and continued to abused until he came home. Although she had no way of knowing what was going on, the boy never could understand, even as a grown man, why his mother did not rescue him. (p. 425)

  Many Christian parents are advised not to visit or call their children at camp or to take them home if the child wants to come home. Although they mean well, you are the parent, and you should visit, call, and/or take them home if they want to go home. Most times, an abused child cannot bring himself to tell you exactly what is going on because of shame and embarrassment and fear. I had a situation where I was not advised to visit my daughter at camp. When she came home a few days later, and I found out that something had been happening all week, I wished so badly that I had listened to my mother’s instinct, rather than well-intentioned church leaders. (It was not abuse going on, but something else.) It still breaks my heart that I didn’t go see her when I wanted to. I’m the one who answers to the Lord for my children, not anyone else.

  Mrs. Derbur urges parents to be diligent about protecting their children. Abuse happens everywhere. EVERYWHERE. At schools, churches, camps, in friends’ homes, in relatives’ homes. ONE instance of abuse- JUST ONE TIME- can affect a child for the rest of their lives. And they will wonder why we did not protect them. It doesn’t matter others think. If they say you are too protective, it’s a wonderful compliment!

• “To be loved; to know our parents are proud of us; to be told that truth. Three simple wishes. Three simple gifts every child should be given.” (p. 421)
• Listen very, very carefully to what your child may be saying. Adults have told me how they tried to tell their parents when they were children that they were being violated. Mrs. Derbur goes on to say, “Be sure you give your children the message in your words and actions that they can tell you anything and you will listen and help problem solve with them. My sister, Gwen, asked for a lock on her bedroom door. It was Gwen’s way of trying to tell Mother what was happening at night, but Mother either didn’t “hear” her or she ignored the plea.” (p. 425)

There are so many things that I could share from this book, but I don’t have the time. I encourage everyone, whether you are a parent or not, to read it, so that you can get some understanding of the crippling, lifelong effects abuse has on a child. With more understanding, I believe we would insist on judges who give stronger sentences for these evil doers. Violation of a child of any sort or duration should be automatic death or jail for life. I have only been a close bystander in my friend’s situation, and I will never understand how she feels, and, therefore, find it hard to express the dynamics of what her family went through. But you can get greater understanding through Miss America By Day.