Is a Wife to be the Breadwinner of Her Family?

I tried to find a place in the Bible that says a wife may be the breadwinner. I didn’t find it. I couldn’t find any statement anywhere in the Bible that says the wife is to be the protector, the preserver, or the provider of the family. In fact, what I did find was just the opposite. First Timothy 5:8 talks about the husband’s role and says, “But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.” The context here is that the man is to provide for any widow in his own house or immediate family, but it also extends to those in his extended family. The point is that the husband is to be the provider—not the wife.

What about the woman with children at home whose husband dies or divorces her, and she has to go to work? But if she leaves the home, the situation becomes even worse, because then no one would be at home. The father is not there, and now even the mother is gone. Who’s responsible? If I’m related to such a person, I’m responsible to take up her support so that she can stay home. And if she doesn’t have anyone related to her who can do that, the church is responsible. But she should not have to go out and forfeit the responsibility that God has given her. (Emphasis mine.)

And what are the older women whose children are all grown and out of the house to do? The answer is in Titus 2:3-5. When they were young women, they were to be loving their husbands and children and keeping their homes. Now that their children are grown, their priority should be to invest themselves in a spiritual ministry of teaching younger women. I’m not saying that at this point a woman can’t work, but I don’t see a provision for doing so in Scripture. She may take that liberty. However, I do know Scripture says that the responsibility of the older women is to teach the younger women. Think about it: if the younger women aren’t staying home and learning from the older women, the next generation won’t have any older women who have anything to teach. There will be no legacy to pass on.

Now I know that some of you don’t have a choice. No one is taking care of you or making provision for you. Some wives are working because no other family member is willing or able to work. But that is something the church is responsible for and has unfortunately neglected for centuries. The wife is not to be the breadwinner.

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Should Mothers be Employed Outside the Home?

We have a problem in America. There are more than 42 million working mothers in America, and 6 million of those have small children. One out of every three mothers with a child under three works in a full-time job. Who is to rear the children and take care of the home? I think the answer to this problem is contained in the phrase “keepers at home” in Titus 2:5.

The phrase “keepers at home” is the Greek word oikourgov. It comes from oikov, which means “home,” and ergon, which means “work.” Oikourgov, then simply means “to work at home.” I believe that means mothers ought to work at home. You may say, “But I have a wonderful job,” “But we need the money,” “But my kids are in school.” However, the Bible says mothers are to work at home. It doesn’t say, “Under the circumstances, this is not valid.”

Now what does the word ergon mean? It refers to work, but the emphasis in the New Testament is that it involves a job or a task, and in some cases it is translated “employment.” It is not referring to the quality of work; it is referring to an assigned task. A mother is to be employed in the assigned task of working at home. This use of ergon appointed employment, task, duty, or work is seen in the following passages: Mark 13:34, John 4:34, 17:4, Acts 13:2, Philippians 2:30, and 1 Thessalonians 5:13. Also, compare 1 Timothy 5:14, which says, “I will, therefore, that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house.” The phrase “guide the house” in the Greek text is oikodespoteo, and according to two excellent Greek lexicons (Arndt and Gingrich, Moulton and Milligan) that word means “to keep house.”

So what’s a mother to do with her life? Pursue a career? I don’t see that here. According to Titus 2:3-5, a mother is to be a lover of her husband, a lover of her children, and one who does her task at home. A mother is to work inside the home—not outside.

I believe all this is related to the principle of being submissive to the husband. If a woman is working outside the home, she has a different set of circumstances to deal with: other involvements, other complications, other bosses, other people giving orders. The boss might say, “That’s not the way to dress. I want you to dress this way.” She may have to buy a new wardrobe, and if her husband doesn’t agree with her boss’s decision—there’s conflict. I think a woman who works outside the home puts herself under circumstances and authorities that know no biblical injunction to be responsible for her.

Some of the problems we’re seeing in our society today are directly related to the loss of mothers in the home. Now the issue is not whether the children are home from school yet. A mother’s obligation to her home doesn’t change just because her children are in school. In fact, psychological tests have shown that children who grow up in homes where the mother works are much more insecure than children who grow up in homes where the mothers are home. When a child is in school, if he knows his mother is at home, that serves as an anchor.

The recent epidemic of working mothers has helped contribute to missing children, delinquency, adultery, fornication, divorce, and a lack of understanding about God-ordained roles in the home, to the detriment of the next generation. And by the way, mothers who stay home and do nothing but watch soap operas and behave like unfaithful busybodies are no better. Just because a mother stays home doesn’t mean she’s spiritual. Her influence might be worse than that of another mother who works.

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Pondering the Principles

If you are a mother who works outside the home, analyze why you are working. By the time taxes, increased child-care, clothing, and transportation expenses are deducted from your income, how much extra income are you actually providing? Does an exhausting day at work determine the way you handle discipline problems in the evening, as well as the quality of attention you give your children? If you are separated or divorced and have the power to reverse that situation, try to do so. As a single parent, you will be faced with the dilemma of having someone else raise your children or having no provision for your children as you raise them. Trust God to provide for your needs through a husband (1 Tim. 5:14), a family member (1 Tim. 5:4, 8), a government subsidy, or an adequate amount of life insurance to replace the potential loss of your husband’s income so that you can fulfill the biblical role of a mother. (Emphasis mine.)

Copyright 2007, Grace to You. All rights reserved. Used by permission.
Excerpts taken from The Fulfilled Family: God’s Pattern for Wives, Part 1 by John MacAuthur.
This article originally appeared here at Grace to You.

Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer. ~Psalms 19:14

Posted under Biblical Womanhood, Mothering, Single Mothers, The Family
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Please note that as a Christian, I do not endorse or agree with everything in the book or movie mentioned below. I recommend them solely on the grounds that they will make you much more aware of how easy your own children can be violated, and also that they will give you greater understanding of how much child abuse destroys a person’s life- for life.

Three years ago, the lives of dear friends were shattered when the terrible abuse of a precious little child was discovered. Shock rang through our church and community. It was unbelievable that a man we all loved and admired could do such a thing, but it was true. The wife of the man was one of my best friends. I cannot even put into words the anguish and fear she went through. There was the shock to find that the man she thought was her best friend had such a hidden, evil side, and the wonder and overwhelming guilt of why she did not see it beforehand. She was a mother in the home who was very careful about where and who her children were around. She had done all she knew to do for her children in every way she knew how. Compounding her own deep grief, there was the sometimes cruel treatment of outsiders. Some simply did not believe the child; others said thoughtless things to the family. I’m sure some simply didn’t realize how their words sounded. There was also the financial burdens completely placed in her lap; not just the normal bills, but numerous legal fees. She was suddenly thrust into single parenthood with unimaginable grief to deal with on top of everything.

God brought my friend and her family through these awful tragedies. Never once did she turn her back on the Lord. He performed so many miracles on the behalf of them. God is using the family to help others who are in intense suffering like they went through. But it will never be over. There will be repercussions for life.

In high school, I saw the movie Sybil, about a lady who was so severely abused by her mother, that she developed several different personalities. Her story always stayed with me and I highly recommend you seeing the movie and reading the book. It is simply heartbreaking and astonishing. It gave me a heart for children suffering unimaginable things. After my friend went through those intense trials, Miss America By Day, by Marilyn Van Derbur, was given to me. I’d never heard of Mrs. Derbur. I read most of the book quickly, staying up into the wee hours of the morning. Just like Sybil, Miss America By Day details how lifelong child abuse lasts. It is not just the r*pe of a body, it is the r*pe of a a soul.

Mrs. Derbur was born into what we would think is the perfect family. Her family was successful, rich, and prominent. Marilyn was very successful, including being crowned Miss America. But there was an ugly dark side to her family. Her father horrificly abused her and her sister for years. But what is worse: her mother knew about it and never stopped it. Mrs. Derbur shares what terrible consequences there were to her body and mind as a result of the abuse- some things went on that you wouldn’t even connect to abuse. It effected everyone around her, too.

One of the things in the book that greatly effected me was how understanding Mrs. Derbur’s husband and her daughter was throughout some awful times. Her husband never screamed at her to “snap out of it” or to “get over it.” One of the most dramatic displays of his love and patience for his wife was at a time when Mrs. Derbur, because of the abuse, said that she didn’t love their daughter anymore. One would have to read the book to understand why she felt this way, but it is an understandable situation. She fully expected him to throw her out of the home, but instead, her husband held her “tightly and said, so quietly, ‘It’s okay. I will love her enough for both of us.’” Over and over again, her husband displays such nobility and true love. Her daughter was equally as understanding and patient with her mother, even proud of her as a teenager when her mother had gone public with her story. The bonds and love in this family are precious and remarkable. I greatly admire Mrs. Derbur’s commitment that raising her daughter was more important than anything and it required all of her, including her time.

The last part of the book (over 550 pages) is very informative for anyone in the care or company of a child. She discusses how to talk with your children, who and what to protect your children from, and what do say to someone who has had this happen to them or their families.

There were some things that I came away with:

• Abusers almost always use p**nography. If you have someone in your home that uses it, your children could be in danger. “Incest doesn’t happen in a vacuum. The family environment is often polluted with p**nography, abusive language and inappropriate s*xual behavior. For example, my father relished dirty jokes and told them often. He commented on beautiful women, many times, in a flirtatious, almost lascivious way. After my father died, Gwen found extensive p**nography in his office.” (p. 406) P**nography is very, very serious and very, very dangerous to have in your home.
• “The largest number of s*x offenders in any age group is 14-years-olds.” (p. 405) Because of teenage hormones, you should not allow teenage boys to babysit your children or be alone with them, no matter if your children are boys or girls.
• If your child wants to come home from an event, let them. They may not be able to articulate that something is happening to them. One true story in the book is an account of a boy who went to camp and called his mother to please come and get him. She thought it was just homesickness and encouraged him to stay. He stayed and continued to abused until he came home. Although she had no way of knowing what was going on, the boy never could understand, even as a grown man, why his mother did not rescue him. (p. 425)

  Many Christian parents are advised not to visit or call their children at camp or to take them home if the child wants to come home. Although they mean well, you are the parent, and you should visit, call, and/or take them home if they want to go home. Most times, an abused child cannot bring himself to tell you exactly what is going on because of shame and embarrassment and fear. I had a situation where I was not advised to visit my daughter at camp. When she came home a few days later, and I found out that something had been happening all week, I wished so badly that I had listened to my mother’s instinct, rather than well-intentioned church leaders. (It was not abuse going on, but something else.) It still breaks my heart that I didn’t go see her when I wanted to. I’m the one who answers to the Lord for my children, not anyone else.

  Mrs. Derbur urges parents to be diligent about protecting their children. Abuse happens everywhere. EVERYWHERE. At schools, churches, camps, in friends’ homes, in relatives’ homes. ONE instance of abuse- JUST ONE TIME- can affect a child for the rest of their lives. And they will wonder why we did not protect them. It doesn’t matter others think. If they say you are too protective, it’s a wonderful compliment!

• “To be loved; to know our parents are proud of us; to be told that truth. Three simple wishes. Three simple gifts every child should be given.” (p. 421)
• Listen very, very carefully to what your child may be saying. Adults have told me how they tried to tell their parents when they were children that they were being violated. Mrs. Derbur goes on to say, “Be sure you give your children the message in your words and actions that they can tell you anything and you will listen and help problem solve with them. My sister, Gwen, asked for a lock on her bedroom door. It was Gwen’s way of trying to tell Mother what was happening at night, but Mother either didn’t “hear” her or she ignored the plea.” (p. 425)

There are so many things that I could share from this book, but I don’t have the time. I encourage everyone, whether you are a parent or not, to read it, so that you can get some understanding of the crippling, lifelong effects abuse has on a child. With more understanding, I believe we would insist on judges who give stronger sentences for these evil doers. Violation of a child of any sort or duration should be automatic death or jail for life. I have only been a close bystander in my friend’s situation, and I will never understand how she feels, and, therefore, find it hard to express the dynamics of what her family went through. But you can get greater understanding through Miss America By Day.

Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer. ~Psalms 19:14

Posted under Book Reviews, Mothering, Recommended Reading
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I wanted to share my testimony of how I became a stay-at-home mom and offer encouragement if you’d like to come home, too. I’m in no way trying to condemn anyone!

I was saved at an early age and grew up in a Christian home, where we went to church often. I attended a Christian school for four years (eighth-eleventh grade) and public schools the remaining years. Between the church, the school, and Christian camp once a year, I had the opportunity to hear some of the best preachers of our generation. The Word of God and the fear of God was deeply engrained into my heart and being. I am so thankful for all of that!

One thing I don’t remember ever hearing, though, was the teaching of Titus 2 and Proverbs 31, which tells women what God wants for their lives. Finding out what God wanted for your career and going to a Christian college was pushed very heavily. I graduated with honors (fifth in my class of 250), but did not go to college because of a lack of money. I worked as a cook, cashier, bookkeeper, a secretary, and a bank teller. When I was married, I continued working because it was expected of women. It was not something even thought about, just something that everyone did. My former husband and I found out quickly how stressful it was for me to try to keep up with the home and with my job as a bank teller. Although I loved my job and was very successful at it, I did not like the rat race of it, and, in all honestly, did not like the fact that I had two jobs- my paid one and the one at home. It was also stressful to him to help with the housework. In addition I was attending the local college. He decided that he would work and I would keep the house, a decision that I never regretted. It was not done as a conviction, but because it worked well for us. I also quit college after finishing a year.

About a year later, I got pregnant with my first daughter. Being at home I was able to listen to a lot of Christian radio, where I first heard of homeschooling and felt like that was what God wanted me to do. After she was born, I was very alone much of the time, up most of the night caring for her in those first few weeks. I spent a lot of time nursing her and listening to the radio all throughout the days and nights of her first few months. It was then I heard Elisabeth Elliot’s teachings on Titus 2 and mothers at home. Although my mother never worked, I had never heard it verbally articulated from the Bible as to why it was important, and also very possible in this day and time, for mothers to be at home with their children. For the first time I developed a biblical conviction about being home with my children and making a home for my family.

Seven years later I worked outside the home for about five months after my husband and I separated, but quickly saw my family and my home falling apart without me. My children were getting unruly because I was just too tired to deal with them, even though I worked part time. Again, I loved my job as bookkeeper and was extremely successful, but I saw how desperately my children needed me, especially after a divorce situation. I prayed earnestly for the Lord to allow me to work from home, and, within a week, God had answered and I was opening up a home day care. Even though it seemed impossible for someone like me in an impossible situation, God answered and made a way.

Even though my children are not small anymore (they are 14, 11, and 10), I still believe my children need me more than ever as they go through the “teen years.” I have been told that “you used to be so smart” and other things like that in relation to the fact that I’m not working outside the home now, and it has been painful to me to realize that some think I’m wasting my talents. I personally believe that investing one’s life into the lives of others is a worthwhile and noble effort; how much more if it is your family?

About two weeks ago, the following quote was in our Sunday School book:

“The most important occupation on the earth for a woman is to be a real mother to her children. It does not have much glory in it; there is a lot of grit and grime. But there is no greater place of ministry, position, or power than that of a mother.” (Phil Whisenhunt, quoted in The Remarkable Women of the Bible by Elizabeth George, p. 84.)

Someone in our class said that she had worked when her children were at home and she regretted it. She said that she just thought she “had to”, but now knows that she did not really have to, that she had a choice. If any of you ladies want to be at home, ask God to do it for you, and, I promise you, He will. If a single mother can do it by God’s provision and grace, then anyone can. He is still a miracle worker today! People ask sometimes how I make it, and I can honestly say, it’s been the Lord providing through various means and many miracles. God’s people have been enormously generous and kind to us throughout the years also. It may take some time for things to work out and will probably take a lot of sacrifice, but it will be worth it all. Mothering is a true ministry, just as much as any ministry in the local church, and our Lord will reward you greatly in Heaven, and you’ll see much fruit on earth. For additional reading, I reccomend you to browse through the articles at Homeliving Helper. Theses ladies are much more articulate than I and offer much encouragement.

Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer. ~Psalms 19:14

Posted under Christianity, Encouraging Quotes, Homemaking, Mothering, Recommended Reading, Single Mothers
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Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer. ~Psalms 19:14

Posted under Mothering, Single Mothers
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Anna at Pleasant View Schoolhouse has written some of her thoughts about her experiences in homeschooling. I think they are the best I’ve ever read and they have encouraged me so much! Anna, a very part time lawyer, has homeschooled her children for many, many years, and has a 15 year old son just accepted into a university with a full scholarship.

Homeschool Heresies

Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer. ~Psalms 19:14

Posted under Homeschooling, Mothering, Recommended Reading
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